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Chapter 5

It’s been a long day and I’m really looking forward to going home and seeing Rhian and the boys. I glance at my schedule for tomorrow: I find it helps prepare myself mentally for the following day.

There’s a flurry of noise outside which makes me briefly consider climbing out of the window because I know what it means: a distressed client seeking an urgent appointment. Its part and parcel of my work: anxiety and mental disorders don’t keep office hours. But sometimes I wish I’d trained to be an anaesthetist: it must be so much easier having patients who can’t talk back.

I sit back at my desk and look expectantly at my intercom, awaiting the message from my receptionist. So I’m mildly irritated when the door bursts open and Christian Grey storms into the office.

I admit I’m shocked.

He’s within a hair’s breadth of losing the thin veneer of control that I have come to expect of him. His face is tight with anger and some other strong emotion – fear, perhaps – and his eyes are blazing. One hand is fisted at his side, the other running through his hair as if he’d like to pull it out at the roots. He’s not wearing a tie and his shirt is hanging out of his trousers on one side. I’m momentarily taken back to my student days when a quote from Shakespeare pops into my head:

Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced; pale as his shirt…  And with a look so piteous in purport as if he had been loosed out of hell to speak of horrors – he comes before me.

“Mr Grey?”

He paces up and down my room and I wonder if he’ll explode or be able to rein it in. I’m betting on control: it’s his raison d’être, after all.

Finally he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“Would you like to sit down, Mr Grey, then perhaps you can tell me why you felt the need for this unscheduled appointment.”

He stares at me as if he’s having trouble absorbing the meaning of my words. Eventually he nods, walks more calmly towards a chair, and sits down.

My receptionist, Edna, hovers uncertainly at the door, earning her a scowl from my client.

“Edna, would you be so kind as to inform Mrs Flynn that I’ll be home later?”

“Certainly, Dr Flynn.”

She glances again at my client and quietly closes the door behind her.

And I wait. He’s sitting with his head in his hands, staring at the floor. He appears to be in acute distress.

“Mr Grey… Christian…”

He looks up at the sound of his name, frowning slightly.

“Can you tell me why you’re here?”

He shakes his head. I don’t think it’s a negative response to my question, more a hope of shaking some of the apparent disorder from his mind.

“Some weeks ago you asked me… about my submissives.

“Yes, I remember that conversation.”

“What did she look like?”

“Same as the others. Long brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, petite.”

“All your submissives fit this description?”

“You asked me why – why I find that attractive – the long brown hair.”

I think he’s going to answer the question with some insight that he’s had but he doesn’t. Instead he continues to stare at the floor.

“I didn’t tell you I like to braid their hair before I fuck them.”

This detail may seem insignificant but I sense that the opposite is true.

“For the last week I’ve had that question running through my head: why do they all look the same. It’s been really fucking annoying.”

For a brief second he looks up at me and he appears to regain some control, but then he immediately looks down again and runs his hands through his hair, a repetitive action that he seems to find soothing.

“I remembered something.”

His voice has dropped to a whisper and for once he looks younger than his age: a lost, lonely and frightened adolescent.

“I used to play with her hair – the crack whore – my birth mother.”

He takes a deep breath.

“I whip and fuck little brown haired girls because they all remind me of her. Oh, Christ.”

And a few more pieces of the jigsaw fall into place.

“Do you want to add Oedipal Complex to the list, Dr Flynn?”

I think it’s an attempt at humour, but I’m not sure.

“Well, that would certainly be a new stick to beat you with, Mr Grey, if you’ll pardon the analogy.”

He looks up blinking and he seems to relax a fraction now he’s revealed his memory and the tenuous link that he’s made between his past and present.

Freud believed that the Oedipal complex occurs in the phallic stage of psychosexual development: most usually between the ages of three and five. He argued that the phallic stage – becoming aware of the differences between males and females – serves as an important point in the formation of sexual identity.

According to Freudian theory, the boy wishes to possess his mother and replace his father, who he views as a rival for his mother’s affections. It’s not a view that I endorse and very few true Oedipal Complexes have ever been documented within the psychiatric community.

“I’m not much of a Freudian, Mr Grey. I would argue, as Grose does that the Oedipus Complex is more a way of explaining how human beings are socialised. She calls it ‘learning to deal with disappointment’.

“There does, however, seem to be a link, as you suggest, between your desire to punish your mother, and the punishment your mete out to your submissives. Your mother let you down again and again: she failed to protect you and, ultimately abandoned you – as your younger self believed. You are unable to punish your mother, so you punish other women you believe look a little like her.”

He’s staring at me – drinking in my words, with an almost desperate need to believe them. But I think I’ve failed to convince him because his expression darkens and he looks down again.

“And then I fuck them – hard. I knew I was fucked up but this… this is sick, disgusting shit.”

It’s painful to watch his self-loathing deepen still further.

“Christian: you have said yourself that all your contractual relationships are consensual. You couldn’t do the things you do without their agreement and mutual enjoyment. I see no Oedipal link there.”

He shakes his head again and still won’t meet my eyes.

“As small children the only contract we have with our mothers is to love them unconditionally. Babies are programmed that way. Adults are… more complex. But for a young child, it’s a simple equation. You loved your mother: your control issues stem from the fact that you were unable to effect change in her life, control her surroundings and, in effect were unable to save her. Utterly unrealistic goals for a four year old child.”

He stands suddenly, fury stamped in every feature of his face.

“That is such fucking crap! I didn’t love her! She was a stupid, drug-taking whore who…” but his voice breaks and he can’t speak.

I allow his anger and fear to ebb slightly.

“You have remembered something new about your birth mother: that you used to play with her hair. It is a pleasurable memory that many children have. But you have assumed that this is why you are attracted to long-haired brunettes. I myself like long-haired brunettes – my wife included. My mother, however, had blonde hair and hazel eyes. I do not assume that my liking for brunettes is atavistic in any way: it is simply what I’m attracted to, I don’t know why. Perhaps an admiration of Lynda Carter had something to do with it at an early developmental stage. You have assumed what you consider the worst about yourself, Christian, because you’ve programmed yourself to do little else over the last two decades. You have taken a happy memory and found the ultimate way to defile it because this fits your world view of yourself. I would simply offer that you have remembered something pleasant from your childhood and this disturbs you of itself.”

He sits up slowly and finally looks at me. He picks on the most trivial point I have made, although I know he’ll remember everything I’ve said.

“Lynda Carter?”

“Yes, or rather Wonder Woman. Perhaps it was the shiny blue shorts with silver stars.”

“I liked her gold whip.”

I’m relieved that his humour is back and intact.

“Yes, I can see how that might appeal to you.”

He smirks at me but tension lurks behind his eyes and I don’t think my suggestion, my alternative explanation, has convinced him: at least not yet. I know that he mulls over some of the things that I’ve said to him so I’m hopeful that he’ll realise he’s jumped to conclusions that are possibly erroneous.

I’m going to risk pushing him just a little further.

“Would you say you have any sexual urges towards your adoptive mother?”

His face, already pale, becomes ashen, then anger flares in his eyes.

“No, Dr Flynn, I don’t. For Christ’s sake!”

“As I thought, Mr Grey, so your assumption of an Oedipal memory of your birth mother is simply an extension of your belief that you are, in your own words, unworthy or love; in essence – unloveable. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy. But patterns can always be broken: and this starts with self-knowledge and the wish to change.”

There’s silence and his eyes cool again. Instead he looks bewildered, out of his depth. His responses are those of an adolescent: black and white, unable to accept any shades of grey. How ironic.

“I think we should continue this conversation at a future session, Mr Grey. Perhaps you could have your assistant schedule one with Edna.”

“Yes, I’ll do that, John.”

It’s the first time he’s used my given name although I’m not sure he’s realised it. I can see him slowly recovering from the overwhelming assault on his emotions. Gradually he regains his self-possession, control sliding into place like a suit of armour. For the first time he notices his untucked shirt and quickly pulls it straight.

“Well, Christian, I think I need a drink after that. A large, malt whisky is the name of the game.”

He looks faintly amused.

“What malts do you like?”

“I’m a traditionalist: Glenmorangie or Tallisker. Would you care to join me?”

He raises his eyebrows.

“Isn’t that breaking the rules, Dr Flynn, drinking with a patient?”

“Firstly, Mr Grey, I use the term ‘client’, not ‘patient’; secondly, I thought you only expected your submissives to adhere to rules; and thirdly, it’s been a bloody long day.”

A small smile escapes.

“A good point well made, John. In that case… I know a bar not far from here that serves 32 different kinds of malt whisky.”

I follow him out of my consulting rooms, locking the door behind me. Edna looks relieved that she is able to escape, too. The dear woman insists on staying late if I have an urgent appointment. It’s very kind of her and good practice, too; one shouldn’t be alone with a client in a building. Heaven only knows what she’d think if she knew I were drinking with one. But Christian Grey is an exceptional man, so I shall make an exception for him.

We spend a pleasant hour or so talking about choral music: he likes Thomas Tallis, I prefer Taverner’s organ pieces. We find we both enjoy Mendelssohn’s ‘Hear my prayer’. I can’t help but think how apt that is. He offers me use of his box at the Seattle Opera House.

I’m concerned that he has assumed that his urge to punish women, and then fuck them, are desires both linked to his mother. I believe they are mutually exclusive and merely a result of the lifestyle he has embraced. I suspect I’ll have my work cut out leading him towards that belief. His deepest impulses are towards self-loathing and any tool he can find to punish himself he immediately seizes.

But I think we’ve made a little progress day: a microscopic advance. Nevertheless, I find myself hopeful for his future.

 ~~~~~~~~

63 Comments Post a comment
  1. 07/27/2012
    Jamoca

    First of all love, love the new space. I guess i was expecting him to speak about the bitch troll the next time he sees Flynn but i see that this was an impromptu visit. Nevertheless lovely! Awaiting more!

    Reply
    • 07/27/2012
      sunandsurf

      Bitch-Troll will be coming up, doncha worry. Good to see you, J-gal!

      Reply
  2. 07/27/2012
    n-boston

    I love reading “Dr.Flynn’s” insights. You do such a great job with this one.
    Thank you as always.

    Reply
    • 07/27/2012
      sunandsurf

      Thanks, Boston. And I don’t have to worry about my Britishisms!

      Reply
  3. 07/27/2012
    n-boston

    I love reading your Dr.Flynn insights.
    Poor, tortured Christian.
    Thanks again – great chapter.

    Reply
    • 07/28/2012
      sunandsurf

      Would you like me to send Flynn to Boston for a medical conference?

      Reply
  4. 07/27/2012
    Nan Virden

    Yes Flynn has his work cut out for him. Gotta love the guy for being so concerned for poor Fifty. I love the chapter! He’s (Flynn) is such an interesting character. I hope you write more from his POV.

    Reply
    • 07/27/2012
      sunandsurf

      I love, love Flynn! Glad you do, too.

      Reply
  5. 07/27/2012
    Susan

    What a way to start my birthday! Thank you so much
    for this new chapter! Made me day! You have really
    gotten into Flynn’s head and captured his intelligence
    and witt. I am blown away with your seemingly knowledge
    of psychiatry. You are truly a very gifted and talented
    writer. Thank you for keeping this story alive for me.
    I can’t seem to let this characters go and move on. I
    want you to know that I, as I am sure many readers, really
    appreciate your efforts.

    Reply
    • 07/28/2012
      sunandsurf

      Happy birthday for yesterday, Susan. And thanks loads for your lovely comments. Nope, no psychiatric training so that’s a real compliment. Hope the rest of your day was good.

      Reply
  6. 07/27/2012
    Lillimarlene

    Bravo! I love your writing. Hamlet, how appropriate, a character with real mother issues.

    Reply
    • 07/28/2012
      sunandsurf

      Oh yes, had to get the other King of Pain in there…

      Reply
  7. 07/27/2012

    Flynn’s not so subtle prodding of Christian is tremendous. I love that he both challenges him as well as comforts Christian’s very complicated mind. Maybe it’s my having studied English Literature for too many years, but your Britishisms are some of my very favorite bits of dialogue and interior thoughts! Christian’s formality lends itself so well to the more formal, but still very humourous, Dr. Flynn. Lynda Carter for goodness’ sake! Naturally, Christian would be drawn to the golden lasso of truth but I was also expecting a quip about the invisible airplane! As always, thank you. And the new site is sublime! Please pass that along to your darling webmistress:) I am just buzzing with joy as I head over to the other two new chapters. – Beth

    Reply
    • 07/28/2012
      sunandsurf

      Glad you’re liking the Britishisms – and you’re right about Christian’s more formal approach lending itself to that. Aw shucks, missed the invisible aeroplane joke. Minus points for that. The Blog Mistress will be head over heels with your comment – she’s worked her delicate little derriere into a frenzy getting it to work properly.

      Reply
  8. 07/27/2012

    Still enjoying Flynn!
    -Jo

    Reply
    • 07/28/2012
      sunandsurf

      Thanks, Jo!

      Reply
  9. 07/27/2012

    I so enjoy when Dr. Flynn challenges the easily ruffled Christian! His wit and inner conversation never cease to entertain me and certainly serve as a good balancing point for Christian. Perhaps I studied English Literature for too many years, but I adore the Britishisms in your writing. Dr. Flynn’s British formality rather suits Christian and probably makes him relatively more comfortable in session. I am laughing over Lynda Carter! While I was not surprised that Christian would like her golden lasso of truth, I was also expecting him to reveal that her invisible airplane also held considerable interest to him:) As always, thank you Jane for your cleverness and for writing for all of us. And the new blog…it’s simply sublime! Please pass my deepest compliments onto your webmistress. She has really outdone herself! Sending quite a lot of love from the States…I cannot wait for the Olympics to shine tonight. – Beth

    Reply
    • 07/27/2012

      WOW bgheron what a compliment,

      There were a few bumps in the road, and times when I wanted to jump off the bridge, but I got there in the end.
      The most time consuming was the photography, all purchased, and took several long sessions to find.
      There’s an awful lot of smut out there and that just wouldn’t do here.

      Thank you for your kind words. When someone says that to you it makes it all worth while.

      Now as far as the Olympics are concerned, all I have to say on that matter is: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi – Go the mighty Green and Gold.

      Reply
  10. 07/27/2012
    Kim

    Love the new site! It suits fifty shades.
    Hope you continue this story. Christian has many people around him that care and love him. That include Dr Flynn.
    You have another fan from Boston.

    Reply
    • 07/28/2012
      sunandsurf

      Thanks, Kim. The Blog Mistresses has outdone herself. Yes, I’ll be writing for a good while yet! Hello to Boston.

      Reply
  11. 07/28/2012
    Isabella

    I love how you have captured Dr. Flynn. I always wondered about how he dealt with Christian; it is very captivating to read. You’ve done an outstanding job! I hope there will be more.

    Reply
    • 07/28/2012
      sunandsurf

      Oh yes. Can’t have poor John Flynn living a dull and penurious existence!

      Reply
  12. 07/28/2012
    debbie

    lov dr flynn . Awaiting more!

    Reply
    • 07/29/2012
      sunandsurf

      On its way…

      Reply
  13. 07/28/2012
    Nanette

    VERY INTELLIGENTLY WRITTEN! Thanks so much for sharing! great new site!

    Reply
    • 07/29/2012
      sunandsurf

      Thanks, Nanette. Appreciate it.

      Reply
  14. 07/29/2012
    Garmel

    Great chapter! And I love the Britishisms!! In fact, in my own mind, I really see Fifty himself as a Brit transplant to Seattle, just like Flynn. Enter Henry Cavill ;) Excellent work – thank you!!

    Reply
    • 07/29/2012
      sunandsurf

      Fifty certainly fits that formality. But just a veneer, I think. I’d love to claim him as one of Us!

      Reply
  15. 07/29/2012

    Excellent chapter. I was afraig you had abandonded the Dr. Flynn story.

    Reply
    • 07/29/2012
      sunandsurf

      Nah. Just The Blog Mistress pretending she’s in charge!

      Reply
  16. 07/29/2012
    yrenecvasquez

    It is genius!!!!

    Reply
    • 07/30/2012
      sunandsurf

      Blimey! Thanxx!

      Reply
  17. 07/30/2012
    Sandy

    Whoa, I can breathe now. Okay, like that was totally awesome! Dr. Flynn’s responses hit like a whip and cracks me up, everytime! I can’t WAIT for “more”.

    p.s. I’m only able to access Ch. 5! Where are the other five chapters or does it stop at 5 instead of 10???

    Reply
  18. 07/31/2012
    Sonya

    Ahhh… my man, Flynn! Love, love, love him! He handles Christian so well and I love his wit. Love, too, that they go out for malt together. Shows the growth of their friendship.

    “Firstly, Mr Grey, I use the term ‘client’, not ‘patient’; secondly, I thought you only expected your submissives to adhere to rules; and thirdly, it’s been a bloody long day.”

    *snicker*

    Flynn’s practice – he gets to make/break the rules in this situation, Mr. Grey.

    Most excellent chapter! Thank you!

    Reply
    • 07/31/2012
      sunandsurf

      You got it – hole in one, Sonya! Flynn’s place; Flynn’s rules!

      Reply
  19. 07/31/2012

    I actually like these chapters more than the others! They are all interesting reads, but the Flynn chapters provide so much more insight. Keep ‘em coming! :)

    Reply
    • 08/1/2012
      sunandsurf

      Thanks, Casey. Sometimes being inside Christian’s mind isn’t a comfortable place to be. But there will be more Flynn, never fear.

      Reply
  20. 08/10/2012
    Chris L

    I liked Dr. Flynn in the novels and a like your Dr. Flynn. His Solution Focused Brief Therapy seems perfect for Christian and Ana, if they will each used it, and very existential. I love his Britishness. I am interested in where you will take him between this point in Christian’s story and his important meetings with Ana and Christina beginning at the auction.

    Reply
    • 08/10/2012
      sunandsurf

      They have a lot of work to do yet, but the trust is starting between them.

      Reply
  21. 08/15/2012
    S. Norman

    You are so good its amazing – I love the way you explore the complexities of each character in relation to Christian. I know the actual book could never have tolerated such intense character development – but it could have come a bit closer. The original work was written for the teenaged mind – THIS is for adults – Thank you – sincerely, HFS (Hooked for Sure)

    Reply
    • 08/16/2012
      sunandsurf

      I really appreciate that. Wow, thanks! What else can I say?!

      Reply
  22. 08/17/2012
    Vicki

    Please may i have some more :)

    Reply
    • 08/17/2012
      sunandsurf

      Since you ask so nicely, I’ll have to see what I can do!

      Reply
  23. 08/17/2012
    Vicki

    *LOL* Thankyou :)

    Reply
  24. 08/22/2012
    SarahB

    Love the stories – I can picture both characters perfectly, which says a great deal about your writing. Please keep going. I cannot wait to read more of all of your series!

    Reply
    • 08/22/2012
      sunandsurf

      Will do!

      Reply
  25. 08/24/2012
    Karyn

    Excellent!!! How bout an update?? Is there anywhere else besides fan fic where I could find your work??

    Reply
  26. 08/27/2012

    More please!!!

    Reply
  27. 08/27/2012
    christine cerone

    When are we going to get more stories about Dr Flynn??

    Reply
  28. 08/30/2012
    kathy

    i am itching to read more and more…….

    Reply
  29. 09/3/2012
    tamster

    I really enjoy your stories of early Christian thru the eyes of dr. flynn very interesting

    Reply
    • 09/4/2012
      sunandsurf

      Thank you. I’ll be updating this storyline soon.

      Reply
  30. 09/3/2012
    Gypsy Kay

    Will you be continuing your Dr. Flynn POV? I am quite addicted to your writing now, and would enjoy more. When can we expect an update on your POV’s (Dr. Flynn, Taylor, Christian) or another of your short little quips?

    Reply
    • 09/4/2012
      sunandsurf

      Hi Gypsy, more Flynn very soon. Maybe even this week. And a one-shot is just about ready, too.

      Reply
  31. 09/4/2012
    sashai

    i hope u could update soon.. what u created is a wonderful piece of art. enjoyed reading it alot.

    Reply
    • 09/4/2012
      sunandsurf

      Your wish is my command, Sashai. More very soon.

      Reply
  32. 09/4/2012
    sashai

    thankyou oh so much!!! have a great day.

    Reply
  33. 09/22/2012

    I’m not one for commenting but being a sociology third year university student I inwardly groaned seeing the words ‘self fulfilling prophecy’ it was bad enough to read about Freud but at least I don’t HAVE to study him, I do that by choice. Hehehe, I love this story so much it’s great!

    Reply
    • 09/22/2012
      sunandsurf

      Aw, thanks, Steffie. Maybe I should set your homework in future ;)

      Reply
  34. 09/22/2012
    Dw

    O.o One of Christian galloping thoughts has run AMOK and has conjured yet another reason for his self-flagellation! (I have a great visual for TBM here if she wants – pls look up “Frenzy of Exultations” in Wikipedia – the woman in the picture is a redhead, but the real model was a brunette).
    Honestly – is that ALL he can construe from Flynn’s sessions? “I like to whip and fuck little brown haired girls” equal “I whip and fuck little brown haired girls, because they remind me of the crack whore, my birth mother” now? … And sadly he IS going to use this misattribution to justify his ‘needs’ for a few years to come…
    Boy – I am so angry with him now I had to walk away from my PC for a while – he is like a bloody male equivalent of Lady of Shalott – sitting in his adolescent tower, weaving his tapestry of GEH, looking at the real world reflected in the mirror!!! Only his mirror “crack’d from side to side” long time ago and the reflected reality is totally contorted!!!

    Dw (Dorota)
    PS
    OMG – I’m getting worked up over a fictional character… I think I need Dr Flynn; can someone page him for me please? Oh – wait, HE also is a fictional character. DAMN! :P

    Reply
    • 09/23/2012
      sunandsurf

      Good image, or maybe Fuseli? And Elena is Lamia?

      I love that you had to walk away from your PC (and grateful you came back eventually). Love your comments, Dorota.

      Reply
      • 09/23/2012
        Dw

        Lamia? – funny I used to think of her as the fairy woman from “La Belle Dame sans Merci”, but Lamia is so much better. (Thanks for sending me down to my British Litterature bookshelf – I needed a break from the PC, anyway ;) ) / Dw

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